


Highly Distracting

by doop_doop



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Feelings Realization, Getting Together, Hugs, M/M, Sparring, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:54:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26553187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doop_doop/pseuds/doop_doop
Summary: The embrace they’d shared had been only Raphael’s arms around him, Raphael pressing him against his body. The warmth had been from blood beneath skin. The softness had been from Raphael’s skin’s texture and the texture of his clothing.So why had it felt sogood?
Relationships: Jeritza von Hrym/Raphael Kirsten
Comments: 9
Kudos: 23





	Highly Distracting

One day, Jeritza noticed how much he saw Raphael: at the training grounds, on the battlefield, in the dining hall. Raphael was noticeable, huge and loud as he was; but, more than that, he was often near - just at the next table, perhaps, or just one training dummy over. It made Jeritza’s skin crawl.

So when they were the only two people left at the training grounds one evening, Jeritza approached him. “What do you want?”

Raphael immediately stopped pummeling the training dummy and looked up. “Oh, hey,” he said, wiping sweat from his brow. “What d’ye mean?”

“You are following me,” Jeritza said. “Watching me. Stalking me?”

“Oh, no!” Raphael said, his voice too loud. “No, nothing like that. I’m just really curious about you. Always thought you were a good teacher back when you were Professor Jeritza, and I was happy I ended up on your side in this war.”

“Hm,” Jeritza said. He wasn’t sure how to respond. 

“I like training with you,” Raphael added. “You’re really strong!”

“Do you want to fight?”

“Yeah, sure!” Raphael said, beaming. “But… I only use my fists. No weapons. Is that alright with you?” 

“Yes,” Jeritza said, setting his sword aside. “Let us begin.”

He had noticed Raphael following him, but apparently he had not been paying close enough attention to him. Raphael was strong, and fast, and good with his fists; Jeritza finished their sparring match on his back in the dirt with a swollen lip. 

“I give,” he said reluctantly, panting. He tasted blood.

“Good match! Wanna go again?”

Jeritza shook his head. The world spun a little.

“Are you okay? I got you pretty hard… need help getting to the infirmary or anything? Or I can go grab a healer…”

When Raphael stepped towards him, Jeritza stepped back on instinct. “I am fine,” he said, tasting blood. “I am going to attend to… other duties.”

“Sorry,” Raphael said. “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” 

It was insulting - to lose and, furthermore, to be  _ coddled. _ Jeritza turned away, picked up his sword and left. The rest of the day he felt stiff and sore, and eating made his mouth sting. But there was something pleasant in the pain, soothing even; and when he got frustrated or bored, he found himself worrying his lip between his teeth, making it hurt again and again, tasting and re-tasting his own blood.

\---

And then Raphael saved him in battle. It should not have been surprising: they were allies, after all, fellow soldiers on the same side. These things happened, Jeritza knew they did. Yet it still shocked him - the Death Knight being thrown onto one of those broad shoulders and hauled like a sack of potatoes. Arrows flew around them; Jeritza’s blood soaked them both and stuck him to Raphael like glue. He gritted his teeth from the pain, but did not allow himself to scream or cry. 

Raphael set him down more softly than he’d been expecting, but it still hurt. Then Manuela was there, healing his wounds. Raphael still stayed a moment longer, his face contorted in concern.

“I’ll be fine,” Jeritza said. His skin was already stitching itself up, Manuela’s healing music pulsing through him. “Raphael. Go back. They need you.”

“Okay,” Raphael said, and ran off, still half painted red with Jeritza’s blood.

_ Beautiful, _ Jeritza thought, as he watched him run away; but some small, odd part of him wished Raphael had not had to leave at all. Jeritza was not a coward, but the feeling overcame him regardless, persistent and confusing - a dislike of being left alone. It was not a feeling he knew well.

\---

They were sparring together again one day - something they did more frequently now, both happy to have found a new worthy opponent - when Raphael stopped. The bell was chiming. He must have been counting the chimes.

Eleven. Raphael blinked and stepped away. “I promised the guys I would swim with them,” he said. “Sorry, Jeritza, but…” Then he broke into a grin. “Hey, come with me!”

“What?”

“Come swimming with me!”

Jeritza paused. “Swimming? Where?”

“In the pond!”

“I… didn’t know people swam there.”

“Sometimes we do,” Raphael said, shrugging. “When it’s hot like this, it feels really nice. You should come with us. You won’t regret it.”

Jeritza looked around the training grounds: empty besides the two of them. Without Raphael, he would not have another training partner. He was used to that, but recently he’d found it more productive to train with another person. 

Raphael was still looking at him, bright-eyed and hopeful. 

“Fine.”

Raphael’s grin grew wide, so wide. Dazzling. When he spoke, his voice boomed. “Great! Meet you at the pond!”

Then he ran off, leaving Jeritza in utter silence.

When Jeritza finally reached the pond, Raphael was already in the water. Jeritza saw the vivid blue hair of Caspar, who was in the water with him. Raphael did not even notice Jeritza; he and Caspar were apparently fighting each other in the pond, trying to pull each other beneath the surface. 

Jeritza walked to the end of the dock. Linhardt was there, his bare feet dangling off the edge. As Jeritza sat down, his eyes widened in surprise.

“They are very loud,” Jeritza said. 

“Hello,” Linhardt said. He sat up straighter, inching away from where Jeritza was sitting. “What brings you here?” 

“Raphael invited me.”

Linhardt raised his eyebrows. “He did?”

Jeritza nodded. “I do not know why. He said swimming would be pleasant.”

“I imagine so,” Linhardt said. “But it is also a lot of work.” 

“Work?”

“It’s just as pleasant to lie here and dip one’s feet in the water. One gets all of the benefits with none of the cost.”

Jeritza decided to try it. Fully dressed, he  _ was _ rather hot. So he removed his shoes and stockings and lowered his feet into the water. 

It was cooler than the air, but not cold, and felt refreshing indeed on Jeritza’s skin. But he looked at Raphael and Caspar, splashing around in the pond still, in their own little world.

“I am going to swim,” Jeritza said.

“Good,” Linhardt said. “I’m going back to sleep.”

He lay back on the dock, his feet still in the water. He was facing upwards, towards the sunny sky, but the brightness didn’t seem to bother him. 

Jeritza stripped down to his smallclothes and jumped in; that finally got Caspar and Raphael’s attention. The differences in their reactions was quite humorous: Raphael looked delighted, but Caspar backed away as if afraid.

“You’re finally here!” Raphael said, swimming up to meet Jeritza. 

“I was on the dock with Linhardt for a while. You didn’t notice me.”

“Oh, sorry!”

“It is alright.” 

“Hi, Professor Jeritza,” Caspar said, joining them. “What brings you here?”

“I invited him!” Raphael chimed in.

“It is just Jeritza now,” Jeritza reminded Caspar. 

“Oh… okay.” Caspar shot Raphael a look that Jeritza could not decode. 

“Feel free to resume your activities,” Jeritza said, after a moment’s pause.

“We’re swim-sparring,” Raphael said. “It’s like sparring, but swimming at the same time.”

“I see…”

“You can join too,” Raphael said. “Caspar can’t beat me, but maybe you can.”

“Hey!” Caspar said. “I bet I  _ can  _ beat you! Let’s go again!”

“Hm,” Jeritza said. “It sounds like… fun.”

Caspar seemed a little unsure about his presence at first, but as Jeritza joined in their “swim-sparring” in earnest, he visibly relaxed. The three of them were still at it when the bell began to chime twelve.

“Let’s go get lunch,” Raphael said. “I’m starving!”

“Hey, you can’t just stop in the middle of fighting!” Caspar said. “I was going to get you that time!”

Raphael had won about half. Jeritza had won the other half. Caspar had not won any. Jeritza seriously doubted this would be the one time Caspar would win. It seemed like a case of poor sportsmanship to insist they stay longer.

“You hungry?” Raphael asked him.

“I think so. Yes.”

“Come with me to the dining hall. I think I could eat a pegasus!”

_ They don’t serve pegasi, _ Jeritza thought. Then he realized it was probably a figure of speech. 

As he emerged from the pond dripping wet, he realized Raphael was right: it  _ had  _ been fun. He was even smiling. 

_ How odd,  _ he thought. But he was almost getting used to this oddness; it appeared often when he was with Raphael.

\---

Jeritza awoke to the sound of sobbing.

He could not remember much. The Death Knight had fallen in battle, had been lanced off his horse. Jeritza could barely breathe, could not open his eyes. He might have been in a bed, or perhaps someone had laid him out on the ground. 

“Stop crying,” he heard. “He’s going to live.” Linhardt’s voice, sounding exhausted. A pause. Then: “Raphael, did you hear me?”

“H-huh?”

“I said, stop crying. He’s going to live.”

“Oh,” Raphael said weakly. It was obvious he was the source of the crying. “Thank you Linhardt!” 

“Don’t mention it.” 

The crying faded to sniffles. Jeritza, unable to hold onto the thread of consciousness, drifted off once more.

\---

Raphael was the first person Jeritza sought out once he could leave the infirmary. Jeritza’s head was pounding; this whole situation felt so strange, he couldn’t figure it out. 

Raphael answered his door when Jeritza knocked. When he saw who it was, he grinned. “Hey, how are you feeling? Linhardt said you had broken ribs, and you’d hit your head pretty hard…”

“I am fine,” Jeritza said. 

They stared at one another in silence. Then Raphael stepped aside. “You, uh, wanna come in?”

Jeritza appreciated that he did not loom over Raphael the way he loomed over most people, but it made the dorm room feel very small. “When I was hurt,” he began stiffly, “I heard you crying.”

“Oh,” Raphael said, laughing nervously, “you heard that?” 

Jeritza nodded. “Yes.”

“Yeah, when I saw you, you looked - well, pretty bad.”

“Why were you crying?”

Raphael blinked. “I told you - I thought you were gonna die!”

“Weeping for me is…” Jeritza hesitated, shifting his weight from foot to foot. “Foolish. And unprecedented.” 

“You mean no one’s ever cried because of you?”

“Not - not that I know of. Not for a long, long time.”

“Well, when someone I care for gets hurt, of course I’m going to shed a few tears over it,” Raphael said. “Nothing wrong with that. So either get used to it, or don’t get hurt.”

Jeritza blinked. “You care for me?” 

This seemed to offend Raphael; his smile faded in an instant. “Of course I care for you,” he said, his voice too loud in the small space. “You’re my friend!”

“Friend,” Jeritza echoed, and smiled. “Yes. You are my friend, too.” 

Raphael grabbed him and threw him into a hug. Then he froze and pushed Jeritza away just as rapidly. “Oh man, I’m sorry. Are you still injured? Does this hurt?”

“No,” Jeritza said. “I am healed. And I don’t mind.”

“Good,” Raphael said, and hugged him again - a real hug this time, longer than Jeritza had been hugged in over a decade. He pulled Jeritza towards him with both arms and rested his head on his shoulder - and Jeritza found himself hugging back.

“Take better care of yourself,” Raphael said, his tone somehow both gentle and scolding at the same time. “People care about you, you know.”

Jeritza nodded. “I realize that now. I will try.”

\---

Jeritza lay awake that night thinking about Raphael’s warm body against his own, solid and strong. The warmth Jeritza had felt was Raphael’s blood, fulfilling its purpose, pulsing with the rhythm of his heart. The flush that came to Jeritza’s cheeks was his own blood; all the warmth in his life was caused by blood, pounding, flowing, nourishing. But when he saw Raphael he did not think about blood, he thought about… well, about  _ Raphael: _ the lilt of his voice, the joy he took in sparring, the way he’d looked emerging from the water, dripping wet and radiant. 

The embrace they’d shared had been only Raphael’s arms around him, Raphael pressing him against his body. The warmth had been from blood beneath skin. The softness had been from Raphael’s skin’s texture and the texture of his clothing. 

So why had it felt so  _ good? _

Clothing touched Jeritza’s skin almost every minute of every day; he could touch himself with his own hands, and did so as he lay in bed. It did nothing. It felt like a hollow imitation of what had transpired earlier in Raphael’s room. It made Jeritza feel worse.

_ What is wrong with me? _ he wondered, tossing and turning, cold beneath his blankets even on that warm summer night.

\---

Jeritza knocked on Raphael’s door again the next day. Raphael looked at him curiously, though his tone was still friendly and welcoming. “Hey, Jeritza, come on in!”

He stepped inside, pressing his back to the closed door, and gazed at Raphael.

“You need anything?” Raphael asked, after a moment.

“Yes,” Jeritza said. “I need to talk to you.”

There was a flash of what might’ve been fear on Raphael’s face, but the dark expression cleared in an instant. Jeritza wasn’t sure he hadn’t imagined it. “Sure thing,” Raphael said. “What about?”

“Yesterday, you embraced me.” Jeritza looked down at his own hands. “You… held me in your arms.”

“Yep. What about it?”

“Why did you do that?”

“Well,” Raphael said, speaking slowly, “you said you were my friend, and that made me really happy. When I get really happy like that, sometimes I show it through my actions. I can’t even really help it - it just happens.” He blinked and swallowed, and, yes, his expression was  _ definitely  _ nervous now. “Was it alright? I’m sorry, I didn’t really think about it - I mean, I know you’re sometimes a formal guy - I should have thought about that first.”

Jeritza shook his head. “Do not apologize.”

Raphael looked relieved. “So it was alright?”

“Yes. More than alright. It…” Jeritza sighed and tilted his head back, staring at the ceiling. Words were difficult, and slow, and imprecise. He hated that he could not simply make Raphael feel what he was feeling. If he could, perhaps Raphael would understand what Jeritza himself could not. “I stayed up late last night thinking about it. That embrace.”

“You - what?”

“I thought about it for hours,” Jeritza went on. “It was merely a short moment of physical contact, and yet… I have not felt so warm in a very long time.” 

Jeritza lowered his gaze to look at Raphael once more; he looked upset. Jeritza would have stepped back, had he anywhere to go.

“Jeritza,” Raphael said, “that’s….”

“Pathetic, I know,” Jeritza said. “Why do others seem so unaffected by physical affection? I frequently see people hugging one another. I cannot imagine they are all as affected as I was.”

“I wasn’t going to say it was pathetic,” Raphael said. “I was going to say it makes me sad.”

“Sad?”

“It sounds like you need to get hugged a lot more than you have been,” Raphael said. He closed the distance between them, put his arms around Jeritza and pulled him into another hug. “Is this okay?”

“Yes,” Jeritza said. It was more than just  _ okay. _ He leaned against Raphael and wrapped his arms around him, already feeling warmer. Raphael’s body had a certain smell that was quite unlike any other Jeritza knew. It was not reminiscent of anything besides Raphael himself, and it was very pleasant. As Jeritza stood there, inhaling deeply, he felt his heartbeat begin to slow, the blood growing lazy in his veins.

It was relaxing, to hug and be hugged. This particular hug had probably gone on much longer than was normal, but Raphael made no move to pull away, so neither did Jeritza. After a little while, one of Raphael’s hands began to rub up and down Jeritza’s back, the motion slow and rhythmic. Jeritza mimicked it; he could feel the shape of Raphael’s body through his clothes. 

It went on for a long time, several minutes at least. Jeritza could not keep track of time in that position; his thoughts had all but disappeared. Had he not been on his feet, the gentle pressure of Raphael’s body against his own might have lulled him asleep.

Finally, for no reason Jeritza could tell, Raphael stepped back. Jeritza was unsteady on his feet, and leaned back against the door. The room felt cold. 

“See?” Raphael said, his voice uncharacteristically soft. “Getting hugged, it’s a nice thing.”

“...Yes. Very nice.”

“Glad you enjoyed that.” 

For a long moment they simply stared at one another. Then Jeritza realized Raphael probably wanted him to leave. “Thank you for answering my question,” he said, turning away. 

“‘Course,” Raphael said. “Any time. I mean it.”

As he left Raphael’s room and walked out into the warm evening, Jeritza already knew sleep would not come easily to him again that night.

\---

Jeritza desperately wanted to be angry at Raphael.

Raphael had ruined him. One day, he was fine; the next, he couldn’t sleep - his mind was spinning around and around, playing and replaying the scene from earlier that day. Had he thought hugging Raphael a second time would absolve him of this torment? It only made it worse - the daydream was much more vivid, with more material to draw on. 

Jeritza knew how Raphael smelled now. He knew the shape of his muscles and bones, how they felt beneath his fingertips. He knew the sound of his pulse, had felt it beneath his fingers. He knew the warmth of Raphael’s breath on his neck. 

It was like someone had given him a taste of the sweetest dessert ever crafted by man - just one taste, one crumb - and now he was addicted. It was torment, but Jeritza could not be angry. Raphael did not even know what he had done.

He sparred with Raphael the next day, and as Raphael’s fists landed on him Jeritza thought how much he would prefer the touch be gentle, a caress. He had never before wished this; he had never shied from pain. He did not even mind the pain of the blows, the taste of blood in his mouth. He just found himself remembering the hug - skin on skin, heartbeats slowed - 

“Are you okay?”

Raphael was standing over him. He was flat on his back in the dirt. 

Jeritza struggled into a sitting position, wincing. “I am fine.”

“You seem a little, I dunno,  _ off _ today.”

“I apologize,” Jeritza said. “I am not a worthy opponent.”

“It’s alright.” When he saw Jeritza was not going to get up yet, Raphael squatted down beside him. “Something on your mind?”

“Yes.”

Raphael smiled a little. “I thought so! Wanna talk about it?” 

“I am bitterly disappointed in myself,” Jeritza said. “And I am baffled, as well. Why should I still be so - so -  _ obsessed  _ with the embraces we have shared?”

Raphael’s eyes widened. “You mean you’re still thinking about that?”

“Yes,” Jeritza said. “I find I cannot stop.”

“You’re thinking about it in - in a good way, right?”

“If you mean I am happy to be thinking about it,  _ no,”  _ Jeritza said, his voice getting louder with frustration. “It prevented my rest once again last night.” 

“Ah, man, I’m really sorry to hear that.” Raphael sat down with a  _ thump, _ right there in the middle of the training grounds. “But the hugging itself, was that bad?”

“I told you it was not,” Jeritza said. “At the time I much enjoyed it. I found it… uniquely comforting.”

“Huh,” Raphael said, a smile creeping onto his face again.

“No, do not smile!” Jeritza said. “I regret our hug. It has clouded my brain.” 

“Oh.” Raphael’s expression darkened instantly. “I’m sorry.” 

“I wish to fight, to train, and my mind keeps returning to it. It is a nuisance.” 

“You know, if it made such a big impression on you,” Raphael said slowly, “and you enjoyed it  _ that _ much, we can do it again.” 

Jeritza stared at him for a long moment. From this close, he could see Raphael very well - the gold of his eyes in the afternoon sun, the freckles and moles on his skin, the soft blonde hairs that covered his arms. “I do not think that would be wise,” he said, looking away. 

“Why not?”

“I imagine that would only make my current state worse.”

“Maybe if you got used to getting hugs, you wouldn’t think about them so much.”

Jeritza met Raphael’s eyes once more, pondering the idea. “That may be true,” he said at last. “Yes, perhaps you are right.”

Raphael got to his feet, offered his arm to Jeritza, and pulled him up as well. “Alright,” he said. “Let’s go!”

Jeritza frowned. “Now?”

“Well, why not? It’s a free day, so we’ve got all the time in the world.”

“We were in the middle of sparring…”

“And you got distracted,” Raphael reminded him. “You even admitted it yourself - you’re not a good sparring partner like this. But don’t feel bad,” he added quickly. “Why don’t we try and fix it now?”

“Very well,” Jeritza said, and followed him back to his room.

They were in each other’s arms not one second after the door had closed behind them. The position was the same as the last time, but not everything was: the texture of Raphael’s clothing felt different thanks to the sweat that coated his skin beneath it. Jeritza could even smell it; it was not a bad odor. He wondered if Raphael could smell his sweat, too.

Why was this interesting? They were doing nothing but standing in place; they were not sparring or exchanging words. This simple activity had no right to be captivating, and yet it was. Simply observing the steady cadence of Raphael’s breathing felt like a diversion worthy of hours of attention. When Raphael began to rub Jeritza’s back the way he had earlier, that too was striking - now instead of studying the way Raphael felt in his hands, Jeritza could study the way Raphael’s hands felt on him, the way it felt to be held and touched, the way his sweaty clothing clung to his flesh and his heartbeat grew oddly more rapid.

“Bizarre,” he murmured, without meaning to. 

This was unfortunate - it caused Raphael to pull away. “What was that?”

Now they were not embracing, but they were very close - Raphael’s face was very near Jeritza’s own, and he could feel Raphael’s exhaled breaths on his skin. “I said it is bizarre,” Jeritza said. “This simple activity should not be  _ interesting,  _ and yet…”

“It’s because you haven’t done it very much,” Raphael said. “That’s what I think, anyway.”

“And you have?”

“Well, yeah, sometimes.” Raphael looked away, though he did not put any more distance between them. “I hug my sis every time I see her, and I hugged my parents sometimes. I hug my friends too, like when it’s been a while since I’ve seen them, or if I’m worried about them, or if something good happened.”

“Right,” Jeritza said, thinking of the occasion of their very first hug - after his near death experience. “But to do this often would be time-consuming, would it not?”

Raphael chuckled. “I don’t hug them for this  _ long. _ That really would be time-consuming.”

“I see.” Jeritza frowned. “And yet… you and I are hugging for a very long time. Longer than you hug your friends?”

Raphael stepped back, and Jeritza immediately regretted pushing the issue. He should have never spoken in the first place. 

“I think you like it more than my other friends,” Raphael said. “I think, for most people, a hug is like a greeting, like a handshake or a wave - it’s quick. But you really enjoy hugging me, and I enjoy hugging you, so-”

“So you enjoy this too?” Jeritza cut in. 

Raphael nodded.

“Why?” Jeritza asked. “What is the appeal of it? Are you as bewildered by this as I am?”

Raphael had a strange expression on his face, one Jeritza couldn’t read. “It’s not really something I can explain,” he said after a pause, his voice uncharacteristically quiet. “I think it’s just a thing people like. Touching, being touched.” He shrugged. “I don’t understand it either, but if you enjoy it, where’s the harm?”

“The  _ harm  _ is in the way it distracts me,” Jeritza said, venom in his voice. 

“Come here.” Raphael held out his arms again. Jeritza stepped forward without hesitation, letting Raphael pull him close. 

_ Just a thing people like…  _ It was a part of himself Jeritza had not even been aware existed. He was not sure he liked it. Being unable to focus on training was problematic and unnerving. 

But yes, he did like this part of it. 

_ Where’s the harm? _ Raphael had asked. When Jeritza was in his arms, it was nowhere in sight.

\---

“Hey there.”

Jeritza almost thought he’d imagined the voice, quiet as it was. But out of the corner of his eye, he saw movement, and turned. 

Someone was approaching him from the archery section of the training grounds - one of the former students, Jeritza couldn’t remember his name. There was no one else he could be speaking to: Jeritza was the only other soul there.

Jeritza watched him as he approached, trying to remember his name. “Ingrid?”

“What? N-no, I’m Ignatz.” 

Jeritza grunted. “What is it?”

“Can I talk to you for a minute?”

He nodded. “Go ahead.”

“Thanks!” Ignatz said, smiling, though Jeritza could tell his nervousness; his smile was more a grimace of fright, the animalistic baring of teeth. “So, I’m a friend of Raphael’s. I’ve known him since we were kids.”

Jeritza said nothing, though at the mention of Raphael’s name he found himself listening more intently.

“And, well, we haven’t been close that  _ whole _ time, but I can’t help but worry about him, y’know? So I kinda wanted to ask you - what are you, uh, doing?”

Jeritza blinked. “What am I doing?”

“With him. I - I just mean - he likes you a lot, he talks about you a lot-”

“He does?”

“-and I just wanted to make sure you, oh, I don’t know why I’m doing this.” Ignatz put a hand over his face. “Forget I said anything, okay?”

“He talks about me a lot?”

“Look, we all just want to know why you’re spending so much time with him,” Ignatz went on, seemingly torn between fleeing and continuing this rather strange conversation. “Raphael is, well, he’s Raphael! And you’re the Death Knight! I mean, I’d understand why you were doing this if it was just sparring or whatever, but I’ve seen you two hanging out at other times too-”

“Yes,” Jeritza said, nodding. “Sometimes we hug.”

This truly took Ignatz aback. “You… hug.”

“In his room. I find it comforting, and Raphael enjoys it too.” 

Should he be embarrassed, admitting this to Ignatz? No, Jeritza decided: he did not care what others thought of how he spent his time. 

Ignatz still seemed struck by his words. “You  _ hug,” _ he said again. 

“I recommend you try it sometime,” Jeritza said. “Though it sounds boring, it is surprisingly captivating.” He wondered how it would be to hug Ignatz. Certainly it wouldn’t compare to hugging Raphael; Ignatz was so much smaller and bonier - not to mention, he looked far too nervous to give a proper hug. 

“And Raphael, he…”

“It was his idea,” Jeritza said. “He enjoys it too.”

Ignatz took a deep breath. “Jeritza, I feel like I  _ have _ to ask: do you have romantic feelings for him?”

Jeritza paused. It had not occurred to him. “I do not know.”

“You don’t?” Ignatz said, frowning. “Why not?”

“I simply have no frame of reference.” 

“Well, uh… I think you need to give it some thought.” 

“I do?”

“Yes,” Ignatz said, nodding. “This is - this is kind of important.”

“And what if I do?” Jeritza said, feeling a prickle of annoyance. “What does that matter?”

“If you do, you should tell Raphael!”

“...Why?”

“Because there’s always the chance he would return those feelings,” Ignatz said. “Would that make you happy?”

Jeritza felt a headache coming on. “I don’t know.”

“Hey guys!” 

Both he and Ignatz turned, surprised. There, at the entrance to the training grounds, was Raphael; he was beaming and waving at them. 

“Hi,” Ignatz said weakly. 

“What are you guys chatting about over there?” 

“Nothing interesting,” Ignatz said. “Just discussing our training routines!”

Ignatz didn’t want to tell Raphael what they’d actually been talking about.  _ Why? _ After a moment’s hesitation Jeritza nodded, letting Ignatz’s lie stand, but he felt his headache growing.

This was strange. This was all so strange. Why had Ignatz asked him these questions?  _ And why did Jeritza not know the answers? _

“I was just heading out,” Ignatz said, although Jeritza was fairly certain he hadn’t shot a single arrow that day. “You two have fun, though!”

“See you around,” Raphael said. When Ignatz had left, he turned to Jeritza. “Wanna spar?”

Jeritza had never agreed more quickly in his life. He badly needed to clear his head. 

Thankfully his thoughts did not stop him from fighting this time, or make him do noticeably worse than normal. He didn’t do  _ well, _ but at least he didn’t embarrass himself. The pain from Raphael’s fists almost felt good - it was a welcome distraction. For a little while, at least, his head was empty.

Afterwards, as he and Raphael were unwrapping their firsts, Raphael turned to him with a warm smile. “You fought good today!”

“Thank you.” It was a lie Raphael was telling to make Jeritza feel better about himself, but he appreciated it nevertheless. “You did as well.”

“You know, I was thinking,” Raphael said slowly. “It’s a pretty hot day. Do you wanna go swimming? The others won’t be there today,” he added. “Just you and me.”

Jeritza almost said yes, then stopped himself. Ignatz’s words still rang in his ears. Now that he was not actively fighting, the persistent thoughts were coming back in a rush. “I have something I must do,” he said. It was not a lie. He had to think. 

Raphael’s face fell. “Oh, okay,” he said. “Well, I guess I’ll see you around!”

“Yes,” Jeritza said, and headed back to his own room - to think, and, hopefully, to find some answers.

But, try as he might, Jeritza was not very good at this kind of self-led introspection. It was telling that it had taken Ignatz’s questions to get him to this point at all; even being led there by the hand, he felt he could go no further without help.

Did wanting to hug Raphael - and no one but Raphael - mean he had romantic feelings for him? Romance was something Jeritza had no experience with, but certainly hugging was a part of it, as was kissing. The thought of kissing Raphael made Jeritza feel warm. He could not imagine what it would be like, but he would try, if Raphael wanted that.

Jeritza decided right then that he needed to ask Raphael about this; he could muddle through none of this on his own. 

Raphael was not at the pond. Nor was he at the training grounds. He was not even in the dining hall. Finally, Jeritza tried his bedroom, and there he was at last.

“Jeritza?” Raphael sounded surprised. “Come in. You need something? I thought you had plans.”

“I was thinking.”

“Oh.” A pause. “What about?”

“Ignatz told me if I have romantic feelings for you I should tell you, but I don’t know if I do or not.”

Apparently this was a lot to take in. For one long moment Raphael just stared at him, his mouth slightly open and his eyes wide. “Um…” 

Jeritza wondered why this was such a shocking statement. He knew men being with other men romantically was less common in some parts of Fódlan than in the Empire - perhaps where Raphael was from, a man’s romantic attraction to another man would be shocking. 

He was about to ask that when Raphael spoke again. “Why don’t you know?”

“I am not good at feelings,” Jeritza said. As if that wasn’t obvious! “I foolishly did not even consider the idea that I might harbor romantic attraction towards you until Ignatz brought it up. Even though I have tried to reflect on it and find the answer myself, I have made no progress. I have never had such feelings for another person before, and I do not know what that would be like.” He sighed deeply, hoping the still-present expression of shock on Raphael’s face was not as bad a sign as it seemed. “All I know from my short period of self-reflection is that I enjoy my time spent with you, I greatly enjoy our physical contact, and I do not think I would enjoy these things as much with anyone else I know.” 

In the seconds after he finished speaking, something strange happened: Raphael’s face scrunched up in an unusual way, and he began to cry.

“Why are you doing that?” Jeritza asked. “Was what I said offensive or disappointing?”

“No, I just - I really like you,” Raphael said. “Jeritza, I like you a lot. Ignatz knows, that’s why he told you to tell me.”

As their eyes met, the pang Jeritza felt to see Raphael this way was unexpected and painful. Normally he disdained others’ tears as a sign of weakness, but he did not feel that way towards Raphael. He simply felt helpless. 

“I really hope you figure it out soon,” Raphael went on. “I don’t wanna rush you, though.”

“Raphael, please do not cry,” Jeritza said, taking a step towards him. 

“I - I’m sorry…”

Jeritza did not know how to express his true thoughts: it wasn’t that Raphael was doing something wrong by crying, it was that Jeritza wanted to stop Raphael from being sad. Yet when  _ he  _ was the cause, Jeritza did not know what to do. 

Then it hit him.

He closed the distance between them and put his arms around Raphael, holding him close. He stroked Raphael’s back the way Raphael had done to him.

He felt Raphael stiffen at first. Then, slowly, his arms rose, and he embraced Jeritza in turn.

“I like you so much,” Raphael said. He was speaking into Jeritza’s shoulder, which muffled his voice. Jeritza could feel the dampness from Raphael’s tears soaking through his clothing and onto his skin. “All this hugging, I really hoped it meant you liked me too, but I wasn’t sure. I couldn’t tell.” 

_ I like you so much… _

_ Raphael liked him romantically. _ Raphael had not been shocked because of the novelty of the idea of a man’s affection, but rather shocked because his own feelings were possibly requited.

Ignatz had asked Jeritza if it would make him happy for Raphael to feel this way towards him. In that moment, with Raphael in his arms, Jeritza realized that it did. The idea made him warm, made the blood in his body race. He did not sing, but in that moment he wanted to. 

“Raphael,” Jeritza said, pulling away just enough to look him in the eye. 

“Hm?”

“I have romantic feelings for you.” He swallowed, his mouth suddenly dry. “I said earlier I did not know. But I know now. I have figured it out.”

“You… do you?” 

“Yes. And I am very happy you feel the same.”

_ “Oh,” _ Raphael said breathlessly, and laughed, though his eyes were still red and watery. “Jeritza?”

“Yes?”

“Can I kiss you?”

“Yes,” Jeritza said. “Absolutely.”

Raphael’s kiss tasted the way he smelled. His lips were soft. He brought a hand up to rest on Jeritza’s cheek, and Jeritza mimicked him, feeling Raphael’s face lightly beneath his fingertips. A thrill went through him. He could tell kissing was just as interesting as hugging, if not more so - a whole new world to explore.

_ This will be highly distracting, _ Jeritza thought, although he did not mind very much at all.

**Author's Note:**

> I love Raphael and I love rarepairs. Check out my twitter [here.](https://twitter.com/doop_doop2)


End file.
